I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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