Will you blow on my dice?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
