where am i from again
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize