I'm so fucking centered right now
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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