i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
