The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
