You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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