mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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