Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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