Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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