I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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