if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
