why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
