You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
