Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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