I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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