do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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