I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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