I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
