nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
