Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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