guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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