Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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