that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
