oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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