We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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