its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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