im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
