My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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