i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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