I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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