I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's shark week go big or go home
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