I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
