all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
