When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
