Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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