You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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