Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
