I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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