well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I AM VODKA MAN
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
