just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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