Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
why is half of my head shaved?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
