so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
