you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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