You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
