Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
