nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize