The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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