is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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