i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
