my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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