Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
