worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize