You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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