1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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