Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
