and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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