I can text with my tongue
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize