I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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